i would punch a child for taco bell
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
