Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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