The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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