Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
