Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
