You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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