I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
