insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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