hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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