Need sex. Gaining weight.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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