I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
