Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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