I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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