Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
