i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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