Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
