I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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