Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
