Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
