where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm passing your future prison.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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