Pants 0. Shit 1.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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