did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
