Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
