Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
