Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
