There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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