Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
