The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
