it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
