Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
