I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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