Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
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Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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