Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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