i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Help. Why am I so naked?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
