I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
