I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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