My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
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This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The air taste purple.
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