I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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