We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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