I'm really into asian looking animals
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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