Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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