Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Found your dick twin last night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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