did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
