ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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