its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
