why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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