I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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