No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
