The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
