Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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