dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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