how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
