The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
