I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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