Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
